The house, currently: Burp cloths, everywhere. A dirty diaper sits on the floor, just off the play mat. The kitchen is filled with bottles and nipples of varying shapes and sizes, thanks to a recommendation from *yet another* expert I have hired for hundreds of dollars to help us breastfeed. A bubblegum pink Merlin sleep suit with the tags still attached drapes across the sofa, bathed in afternoon light.
We are in what is known as Leap 3, per the Wonder Weeks app. This is an app that tells you when the major developmental milestones are happening with your baby. Each is known as a “leap” and what that equates to is a series of symptoms like: You cry more than usual. Check. You cling more than usual. Check. You are grumpier than usual. Check. You sleep poorly. CHECK.
“You” is referring to the baby, but I’m chuckling at the fact that it could also, obviously, be referring to me.
In conversations with others we have discussed whether or not apps like this are helpful – are they planting problems in our minds that wouldn’t otherwise exist, or helping us to feel less alone when we inevitably find ourselves in these challenging times? It’s the latter for me, though I tend to take their prophecies at face value. Because babies – they’re not machines! – and while I would love for their development to gracefully track along with some app’s perfect predictions, I think all of this is rather just another human attempt at making sense of a process that often feels overwhelming and utterly nonsensical.
This particular leap we’re in is called “Smooth Transitions” and per the app has to do with them being able to recognize smooth transitions in what they see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. Though I might simplify this to say it seems V has just become more aware, in general, of herself and the world around her, which is no doubt a pretty frightening thing for her 12-pound existence. Part of this has been really cool, like how she’s realized her hands and feet are attached to her own body, or how she can now hold a rattle 🥺 in that little hand, or my favorite, how she now loves it when I hold her in my lap and read to her.
Other parts, less so. Like earlier today during a rare quiet moment, as I sat across from my husband in the living room, holding her upright in my lap and all of a sudden (I mean very all of a sudden) she started wailing as if she’d just witnessed a murder.
This has been by far the most difficult leap for our baby V, which feels about right because she’s now hitting the 12-weeks-old mark, which is when “they” say things start to really get better. If that sounds like a contradiction, what I’m saying is that this feels like a rite of passage we need to get through in order to reach that light we’ve been waiting for.
Probably not, though, the most ideal time to have hired another lactation consultant to add to our small army, because it’s hard to judge how any new experiments are going when a demon has temporarily possessed our child’s body.
Speaking of science experiments, I’m trying one more thing – a thing that at first I’d rejected abhorrently but after some deliberation realized, you know what! what the hell! I’ve made it this far, right? I’ll wait to see how it all pans out before I follow up with the Part 2 to Part 1 but in the meantime I’ll just say that in the past week I think I hit my rock bottom, and have begun to glean the wisdom that follows our lowest points.
As always I like to live by the moons 🌙 and I’m def feeling good vibes on the way with this week’s New Moon in Libra! New moons are always potent times for fresh starts, and I am particularly feeling the energy that Libra season brings into the year. Libra season ushers in the start of fall (earthly abundance! baskets overflowing with apples and pears! baking szn is upon us ✨🥧✨) and at its core represents balance. Here’s the question that I am asking myself, and one that I am happy to share with you in case you’d also like to consider it: How can we bring in more beauty, balance, peace, and harmony into our lives?
I’m thinking we’ll light out first fire of the season on Wednesday night, and maybe make a big pot of soup, something hearty with the sweet potatoes and butternut squash from our weekend market haul. I’ll keep focusing on the beauty that peeks out beneath the burp cloths: the fresh flowers on the coffee table, my favorite fall candle. More time spent outside, even if – especially if – that means bringing a blanket on the patio for early morning coffee. Maybe this will be the week that I start a new tradition with Violet, one where we leave the house each Friday for a stroller walk in town. And, for as lovely as this all sounds, I know there will be moments where I feel challenged, both breastfeeding and otherwise; and in those moments my promise is to lean into trust over fear: trust in our connection, the natural harmony of our relationship as mother and daughter, the knowing that we are on this journey together for a purpose that serves us both.
*Update: After posting about the Merlin sleep suit on IG last night, we got LOTS of comments and feedback about it being the thing that saved everyone. And I am happy to report, we had a great first night with it! Little V slept from 7pm to 7:30 with a 4am feeding in between. Ty, Merlin. 🙏